Everyone experiences unpleasant emotions at times. We are emotional beings and experience a range of emotions throughout our days. When unpleasant emotions linger, however, it can become debilitating. Whether you can identify it as stress, anger, grief, or anxiety, there is one common thread behind most emotional suffering. The biggest culprit behind human unhappiness is attachment.
When we become attached to specific outcomes, other people or their behavior, we create desires and expectations that are outside of our control. In this article I will outline how attachment impacts your emotional well-being and how you can begin to break free of the unhappiness cycle today.
If you prefer to watch instead of read, I’ve also shared this message in a video version of the blog you can check out here.
What Is Attachment?
Attachment is created when you develop a desire or expectation for a particular circumstance or outcome. Often these are circumstances that cannot be predicted or controlled by us.
- A future or past outcome going a certain way
- Someone behaving in a particular manner
- Past circumstances or people we no longer have in our life
It is important to have goals but flexibility must be maintained because there are often outside influences that we cannot control or predict.
How Attachment Creates Unhappiness
Unhappiness is rooted in two mental patterns:
- Dwelling on the Past – You replay past events, conversations, or losses, trying to rewrite them in your mind. But the past is unchangeable, and holding onto it only robs you of the present.
- Worrying About the Future – You fixate on possible negative outcomes, fueled by a desire for control. This can spiral into stress, fear, and insecurity.
Both patterns are signs of attachment—to how things should have been or how they must be in the future.
All You Control is Yourself
Life is unpredictable. People surprise you. Circumstances shift. The truth is, most of these things are out of your control; and the more attached you are to controlling them, the more you will suffer.
The only things we can ever truly control are our own thoughts and actions. Anything beyond that will not serve us to become attached to.
Trying to hold on to the past or things beyond your control is a habit. It is an unhelpful thought pattern that you can choose to shift at any time. All habits can be changed, but it normally takes some effort.
How to Break Free from the Attachment Habit
It is advisable to remain flexible in all of your goals if they are not exclusively up to you to create. This does not mean that you do not have goals, but ensuring that you do not attach to the specifics or eventual outcome will enable you to stay fluid and happy through the process. Here are some tips on how to go about shifting away from an attachment habit and creating a happier mindset for yourself:
- Build Awareness
Start by noticing when you are unhappy. Noticing that you are feeling slight stress, anger or disappointment are all clues to pay attention to. Then ask yourself, “What thought is causing this feeling?”
Chances are, you are thinking about something from the past or outside of your control. - Shift Your Focus
Once you’ve identified the thought, move your attention:
• Focus on your breath to bring your awareness to the present moment
• Then move your thoughts to something more pleasant or neutral
This interrupts the thought habit loop which created the unpleasant emotion. In its place you may create a sense of peace or contentment. - Practice Daily
Being able to recognize and shift unpleasant thoughts is a skill. It will take patience and repetition. But everyone with the cognitive ability to observe their thoughts can do this. Over time, you will get better at catching yourself before you spiral into an unpleasant feeling.
Happiness does not lie in “fixing” everything unwanted in your life, because you will never be able to do that. It lies in your ability to recognize your unwanted emotions and shift your thoughts.
Happiness can be created in the moment when you choose to shift from attachment to the past or future outcomes. When you focus on the present and become flexible in the things and people you cannot control, you will find yourself feeling lighter and happier and more at peace.
